My beautiful Alexandra

I don't really update here very much anymore.  Between work and taking care of our 3 kids, I'm stretched a little thin (not to mention sleep deprived). But I will try to post updates every once in awhile. 

Our beautiful baby girl decided to come 5 weeks early, but she was perfect and healthy and everything I ever dreamed of.

She is 10 weeks old now and the absolute joy of our lives.  We love her more than words can say.  And because she's my very own and I don't have to get permission from anyone else, here is her picture.   Isn't she gorgeous?

It's a....

GIRL!!

We are so excited!

Every Heartbeat Belongs to You

I've been avoiding posting for a while now.  I've written and rewritten this entry in my head so many times, but actually sitting down and typing it seems a lot harder for some reason.  Maybe because there is no way to put these emotions into words.  Or maybe the words just don't exist.

Two months ago, I saw a second pink line.  A month ago, I saw a perfect beating heart.  And yesterday, I saw a beautiful baby kicking its legs. 

After 18 months of trying, testing, and failing over and over, we managed to catch that perfect little egg that we saw on ultrasound at the fertility appointment.  It's amazing actually--the miracle of it all. 

I wish I could say that I'm blissfully enjoying every minute of this pregnancy but the truth is, I'm a basketcase.  There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't worry.  I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, just sure that something has gone wrong.  I've avoided getting too attached to the little one inside of me because it hurts too much to think that things can go wrong.

I spend a lot of time living inside my own head.  I've pushed away friends, family, my husband.  Anyone who tells me not to worry.  Because that's just not possible.  It sucks, and it's beyond unfair that my first experience with pregnancy has left me so educated about the things that can go wrong.  I wish I was naive again and could un-know all the things I know.  But it doesn't work like that.

Today, I am 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I'm waiting for some huge wave of relief to come over me so that I can just believe that I will get to hold this baby in December.  I think maybe I'm getting closer. 

There are just some things that can never be taken for granted.

The Beginning of the End

One year ago today began the downward spiral that eventually led to my miscarriage.  By Thursday, April 7, my heart and my belly were empty. 

This past year has been such a journey.  I don't really know any other way to discribe it.  The absolute heartbreak I felt when I lost my baby eventually evolved into strength I never knew I had.  I found out who my true friends are, and met some more along the way.  I can not say enough about the people who have helped me get to this place.  A year later, I am not the same person.

I still think about all the what-ifs.  I still know that I should be holding a 3 month old right now.  But a big part of my heart has moved past that.  The infertility took over all that space in my brain.  It's more than I can even describe.  An obsession really.  There is an end goal, but I had no idea how to get there.  I thought I knew, and it seemed pretty easy.  Sperm + egg = baby.  Apparently not sometimes. 

My first consultation with the fertility specialist went pretty well.  Originally, it looked like my egg was too small to survive, but it held on for a few days longer than expected and was the 'perfect' size by then.  More on this subject later...

But for now, I am spending this week mourning what could have been.  And being sad for the person I was back on April 4, 2011.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  I wish I knew how strong I would become and how awesome it would be to be surrounded by people who care and genuinely understand.

There are things in life you think you would never be able to survive.  But you never know what you're capable of pushing though until you have no choice. 

Kindergarten GQ

Quiz had school pictures today.  I picked out his clothes last night like I usually do.  He's never really cared what he wears, so  I picked out a nice polo shirt and some jeans. 

Well, he saw the outfit and said, "But I need to look nicer!"

He wanted to wear a tie. But alas, he doesn't actually own a tie.  So I suggested a button-down dress shirt with jeans.  "Well, ok. but I'll need a vest." 

Okie dokie, he needed a vest.  He has one vest, and it is technically a size too small.  But hey, the kid wanted to be fancy, so who am I to stand in his way?

This morning he asked V for hair gel and cologne. I saw the finished product before he left this morning, and holy cow. The cuteness is indescribable.

I can't wait to see the pictures. GQ's got nothin on this kid.

Idiot

My mom used to say, "You are the dumbest smart kid I know." Yep. That's me in a nutshell. I'm no genius, but I consider myself fairly intelligent. Then something like this happens.

I had a perfectly nice lunch break planned today. My boss asked me to run to Office Max on my way back. I did a little happy dance in my head when I realized I'd have time to drive through Starbucks and get a latte. There are few things in this world I love more than an afternoon latte. There are also few things in this world that work out the way I planned.

Let me preface this by telling you that my car is little more than a gerbil-powered roller skate. Seriously. Calling it a car is pretty generous.

Whatever you want to call it, the dumb thing died right in the middle of the street as I was backing out of the driveway at work. I had to call V and have him come push me out of the way since I was blocking a pre-school parking lot--"Heeyy! Don't mind me. I just like to hang out in my awesome car in the middle of the street. Jealous?"

It took three of us--one very nice preschool parent included--to get my car back into the driveway so I was out of the way.  The whole time I was thinking, "Please please don't let this cost a lot to fix.  We don't have extra money lying around right now."

Well, it only cost about $3.54 to fix.  That's the going rate for a gallon of gas in Iowa these days...

Idiot.

Baby Steps

Deep breath. I have a Dr. appointment next Tuesday. I finally decided after 18 failed cycles that something must be wrong. I know. Duh, right? Well, I prefer to take the What About Bob approach to healthcare-- baby steps to the elevator. That's all I can handle.

So I made an appointment for a consultation. And that's all I'm committing to at this point. I know she will suggest bloodwork, but I can't deal with that right now. I have a huge needle phobia. Not a fear, a full-fledged phobia. I'd explain it to you, but you wouldn't believe me.

I knew going into this that I would have to face my fear to have a baby. And I just assumed I would be willing to do anything once there was another human being hanging out in my uterus depending on me. Maybe not, but that's what I planned on happening--that motherhood would overrule everything else in my brain. I never considered that I'd have to face my fear before getting pregnant. So, I'm not thinking about that right now.

Right now, I have an appointment next Tuesday afternoon, just to talk. Baby steps.