17

It's been a while since I've written about my journey towards pregnancy. Rest assured, we're still trying. In fact, we're trying for the 17th time this cycle. 17. That number just doesn't even seem real. Like most women, I never thought I'd be here. When we made the choice to have more kids, I thought it was that simple. I was as surprised as anyone when it didn't happen the first month. Or the fourth. But then it did happen on the fifth try. And I was relieved, excited, and scared at the same time.

Obviously, that didn't end the way I wanted it to, and here I am. 12 cycles since the miscarriage and 17 total. I contemplate giving up on a daily basis. I ride the roller coster of planning, trying, hoping, testing, and grief every 24 days. And then it starts all over.

We've come to the point of some major and scary decisions. Whether or not we decide to pursue medical testing and/or intervention remains to be seen. It's hard to take that next step when I keep thinking next month is it.

There's been a lot of "next months" though, and the hope is starting to fade little by little.

And the next person who tells me to "relax and it will happen" might end up getting kicked in a place that results in some fertility problems of their own. :)

Ambition

In short, I have none. Not when it comes to a career anyway. I just want a job that doesn't make me watch the clock all day and has decent people to talk to. That's it. And I want this job to fall from the sky and land in my lap and say, "Hey Christie, I am a good job for you. I won't suck. Promise!"

I used to think grades and degrees were important. I went after A's like they were the keys to eternal life. And now? Who cares? Want to know my college GPA? Didn't think so. Want to read that essay I had published in a journal? No? Me neither. I'm bored just thinking about it.

Point is, I used to have ambition. I used to want to be somebody. I wanted people to be impressed. But my job experience since college mostly qualifies me to be someone's assistant. Not exactly the most exciting career path. Especially considering how much I hate being told what to do. Occupational hazard, I suppose.

So maybe that's why I'm not really motivated to keep searching out positions where I am one of 400 applicants bragging about my excellent computer skills and office experience.

I think I'll just keep watching the sky for that perfectly gift-wrapped job.

Hey, I can dream.