It's been a while since I've written about my journey towards pregnancy. Rest assured, we're still trying. In fact, we're trying for the 17th time this cycle. 17. That number just doesn't even seem real. Like most women, I never thought I'd be here. When we made the choice to have more kids, I thought it was that simple. I was as surprised as anyone when it didn't happen the first month. Or the fourth. But then it did happen on the fifth try. And I was relieved, excited, and scared at the same time.
Obviously, that didn't end the way I wanted it to, and here I am. 12 cycles since the miscarriage and 17 total. I contemplate giving up on a daily basis. I ride the roller coster of planning, trying, hoping, testing, and grief every 24 days. And then it starts all over.
We've come to the point of some major and scary decisions. Whether or not we decide to pursue medical testing and/or intervention remains to be seen. It's hard to take that next step when I keep thinking next month is it.
There's been a lot of "next months" though, and the hope is starting to fade little by little.
And the next person who tells me to "relax and it will happen" might end up getting kicked in a place that results in some fertility problems of their own. :)
Hey you...17 is an awful terrible number to be TTC! It just seems so unfair! And he'll no, I'm not going to tell you to relax..that comment hurst more than anything. I do want to send hugs your way though and let you know I'm thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that this is such a long journey for you. It can be miserable, but I hope - sooner, rather than later - that there will be a baby to fill the void.
ReplyDeleteHave you read "Heaven is for Real?" It has a part in there that might help give you some peace about your miscarriage. It's a pretty short read, too, and all around a good book.
I haven't read it yet, but we do have it. I'll check it out? Thanks!
DeleteSending you positive thoughts to shine through this journey in your life. Nobody knows what it is like until they are going through it. Know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHeaven is for Real gave me the peace I was looking for after my miscarriage and it makes me smile.
Sending hugs, smiles & lots of love.
Oh sweetie... I'm sorry for your troubles. What I can tell you is that if you just let go of the idea of getting pregnant, and focus on being healthy... you will get pregnant and have healthy pregnancy! You need to learn about all of the toxic things in our foods and environment that are causing your fertility problems. We are all being poisoned every day unless we learn about it and prevent it. Take some supplements (DIM) and avoid processed foods like milk and fast food. Increase the amount of raw foods you eat (fruit and veggies, seeds and nuts,) and you will more than likely have a healthy pregnancy this year!!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck... and best wishes.
Read up on toxins that affect reproductive health at livestrong.org and chrisbeatcancer.com