The Beginning of the End

One year ago today began the downward spiral that eventually led to my miscarriage.  By Thursday, April 7, my heart and my belly were empty. 

This past year has been such a journey.  I don't really know any other way to discribe it.  The absolute heartbreak I felt when I lost my baby eventually evolved into strength I never knew I had.  I found out who my true friends are, and met some more along the way.  I can not say enough about the people who have helped me get to this place.  A year later, I am not the same person.

I still think about all the what-ifs.  I still know that I should be holding a 3 month old right now.  But a big part of my heart has moved past that.  The infertility took over all that space in my brain.  It's more than I can even describe.  An obsession really.  There is an end goal, but I had no idea how to get there.  I thought I knew, and it seemed pretty easy.  Sperm + egg = baby.  Apparently not sometimes. 

My first consultation with the fertility specialist went pretty well.  Originally, it looked like my egg was too small to survive, but it held on for a few days longer than expected and was the 'perfect' size by then.  More on this subject later...

But for now, I am spending this week mourning what could have been.  And being sad for the person I was back on April 4, 2011.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  I wish I knew how strong I would become and how awesome it would be to be surrounded by people who care and genuinely understand.

There are things in life you think you would never be able to survive.  But you never know what you're capable of pushing though until you have no choice.