I'm supposed to say that even though this is month 10, I'm ok. 10 months isn't that bad. Some people wait years for babies. Some people don't have any kids at all, and I've got 2. I'm supposed to say that I'll just keep trying and that someday everything will work out. I'm supposed to say that God knows best, and He'll give me a baby when the time is right.
But I'm tired of saying what I'm supposed to say. What I want to say is this SUCKS. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of trying and patience and hoping. I'm tired of the schedules and tests and tears. So many tears. None that anyone sees because I just say what I'm supposed to say.
But I honestly can't do this anymore. It's killing me. Piece by piece, month by month, test by test, I feel like I'm falling apart.
And all the while, in the back of my head I remember my baby. I remember the pure joy. I remember the grief. And I thought I could forget it all if I could just get pregnant again. I thought I could forget how far along I would be. I thought I could just sail right through my due date without a thought. Everything would be ok if only there was another baby to focus on.
But there isn't. So I relive all of these emotions with each negative result.
And I'm supposed to say that I'm past all that. That I was only 7 weeks along so at least it was still early. That I know it was probably for the best. There was a reason.
Supposed to, supposed to, supposed to.
It's hard to remember all the things I'm supposed to say when I'm staring at a test, praying for another line. When I'm holding it up to the light to see if I missed something. When I'm standing in the bathroom by myself trying to hold it together.
It's so hard to keep saying the things I'm supposed to say.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Dancing Queen
Minnie is going to her first-ever school dance this weekend. Let's just let that fact sink in for a minute...
...Nope a minute wasn't long enough. Still doesn't seem real.
There will be BOYS there. Ahhhhh! My goal for the next 10 years or so is to keep boys away from Minnie. And this isn't an easy task. She is way too pretty. And I can say this with a certain amount of objectivity because I had nothing to do with it. In fact, if she had my genes she'd be awkward and chubby at 11, and we wouldn't have to worry about any of this!
So now it's crunch time. Time to implement a plan of attack. Options include: an all girls boarding school, moving to Alaska where she'll be covered up by a parka most of the time, or locking her in her room for the next 10 years.
Unfortunately, I don't think any of these choices are realistic. So the only thing left to do is sit back and watch. No matter what we do, this whole parenting thing is a shot in the dark. 90% of it is pure luck.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God gave this girl 3 parents for a reason. All hands on deck!
...Nope a minute wasn't long enough. Still doesn't seem real.
There will be BOYS there. Ahhhhh! My goal for the next 10 years or so is to keep boys away from Minnie. And this isn't an easy task. She is way too pretty. And I can say this with a certain amount of objectivity because I had nothing to do with it. In fact, if she had my genes she'd be awkward and chubby at 11, and we wouldn't have to worry about any of this!
So now it's crunch time. Time to implement a plan of attack. Options include: an all girls boarding school, moving to Alaska where she'll be covered up by a parka most of the time, or locking her in her room for the next 10 years.
Unfortunately, I don't think any of these choices are realistic. So the only thing left to do is sit back and watch. No matter what we do, this whole parenting thing is a shot in the dark. 90% of it is pure luck.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God gave this girl 3 parents for a reason. All hands on deck!
Minnie and I dancing at our wedding, October 2010
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Super Couponing
In an effort to make myself a contributing member of this family, I decided to take a couponing class.
First of all, let me just say that I HATE coupons. I think they are a pain in the butt and not worth my time. But, now I have time. So why not? Everyone needs a hobby (besides peeing on expensive sticks).
So, I took the class, made a binder, printed off some coupons, and headed to Target to test it out. My husband was pretty embarrassed of me and my binder, but oh well. I didn't even dry my hair today so who am I trying to impress?
I can see already that this is going to take some getting used to. I mostly wandered around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find everything.
But in the end, I got 2 items for better than free. That's right, I actually got paid .04 toward my purchase. And I saved $9.21 on $25 worth of groceries that we needed anyway.
I have a tendency to become obsessed with things, and I can already see that happening here. I understand how people become addicted.
I'm going to start off slowly and focus on things we actually need. I would like to have a small stockpile of things like toilet paper, body wash, deodorant, etc. And now that we made room in the basement, I actually have some available storage. So we'll see how it goes.
Hey, maybe I can find some coupons for pee sticks and combine my two hobbies!
Target paid me .04 to take these two things out of their store.
First of all, let me just say that I HATE coupons. I think they are a pain in the butt and not worth my time. But, now I have time. So why not? Everyone needs a hobby (besides peeing on expensive sticks).
So, I took the class, made a binder, printed off some coupons, and headed to Target to test it out. My husband was pretty embarrassed of me and my binder, but oh well. I didn't even dry my hair today so who am I trying to impress?
I can see already that this is going to take some getting used to. I mostly wandered around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find everything.
But in the end, I got 2 items for better than free. That's right, I actually got paid .04 toward my purchase. And I saved $9.21 on $25 worth of groceries that we needed anyway.
I have a tendency to become obsessed with things, and I can already see that happening here. I understand how people become addicted.
I'm going to start off slowly and focus on things we actually need. I would like to have a small stockpile of things like toilet paper, body wash, deodorant, etc. And now that we made room in the basement, I actually have some available storage. So we'll see how it goes.
Hey, maybe I can find some coupons for pee sticks and combine my two hobbies!
Target paid me .04 to take these two things out of their store.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A Peek at My Day
Really?! My life is some kind of practical joke lately. A dump truck was driving in front of me and pulled a tree branch back. The branch broke and fell on top of my car. While I was driving. Heart attack much? And no, the truck did not stop.
Once again, awesome.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Peeing on Sticks
Some women like to scrapbook. Others may knit. My hobby is peeing on very expensive sticks. Depending on the time of the month, I am either testing for ovulation or pregnancy. The lady at Walgreens recognizes me, and I'm pretty sure I'm the number one stock holder in First Response.
The pregnancy testing has been going on for 10 months, but the ovulation testing is new this month. I never wanted to get into the technical aspects of baby making--basal thermometers, ovulation tests, charting, etc--because I new it would become an obsession for me. Even more so than it already is, if that's possible. But after the miscarriage, my body went haywire and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to my cycle. So my midwife recommended ovulation testing. Great, more expensive tests to pee on and obsess over.
So, this has been my mission this week. To hold my pee for 4 hours, not drink anything during that time, then pee on a stick at the same time every day.
First of all, 4 hours is a long time! The first day, I had a dentist appointment during hour 3. Sure, sounds like a perfect time to squirt cold water on my teeth. I'm surprised I didn't pee right in their fancy dentist chair.
Then, day 2-4 was the garage sale (which wasn't at my house by the way.) on Day 4, I forgot to withhold fluid intake but did manage to pee on the stick at exactly 1pm.
Yesterday, I forgot all about all of it until about 4:30. I had been drinking and peeing freely all day. Oops.
Then there's today. The madness also known as The First Day of School. I decided I needed to be fancy for kindergarten orientation, meaning I was going to wash, dry, and straighten my hair. A process normally reserved for weddings and meeting the Queen. Well, since the orientation is at 1, I needed to take the test early. But I forgot about that 4 hour Window of Torture again.
Needless to say, this entire process is going wonderfully so far. I've peed on approximately $4000 worth of tests this week (this number isgreatly exaggerated an estimate) and have yet to get a positive result.
Where are my eggs?!
The pregnancy testing has been going on for 10 months, but the ovulation testing is new this month. I never wanted to get into the technical aspects of baby making--basal thermometers, ovulation tests, charting, etc--because I new it would become an obsession for me. Even more so than it already is, if that's possible. But after the miscarriage, my body went haywire and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to my cycle. So my midwife recommended ovulation testing. Great, more expensive tests to pee on and obsess over.
So, this has been my mission this week. To hold my pee for 4 hours, not drink anything during that time, then pee on a stick at the same time every day.
First of all, 4 hours is a long time! The first day, I had a dentist appointment during hour 3. Sure, sounds like a perfect time to squirt cold water on my teeth. I'm surprised I didn't pee right in their fancy dentist chair.
Then, day 2-4 was the garage sale (which wasn't at my house by the way.) on Day 4, I forgot to withhold fluid intake but did manage to pee on the stick at exactly 1pm.
Yesterday, I forgot all about all of it until about 4:30. I had been drinking and peeing freely all day. Oops.
Then there's today. The madness also known as The First Day of School. I decided I needed to be fancy for kindergarten orientation, meaning I was going to wash, dry, and straighten my hair. A process normally reserved for weddings and meeting the Queen. Well, since the orientation is at 1, I needed to take the test early. But I forgot about that 4 hour Window of Torture again.
Needless to say, this entire process is going wonderfully so far. I've peed on approximately $4000 worth of tests this week (this number is
Where are my eggs?!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Backpacks, Busses and Tears
So, it's that time of year to get all weepy over how big the kids are getting.
Kindergarten and Middle School?? How did this happen? No really. How? How can the days seem so long sometimes, but the years just fly by? Is this physics or something? I was too scared to take that class, so maybe I missed some important life lessons.
I look at Minnie and still see the toothless grin she had for almost 2 years, and I can still hear Quiz calling me "city" because Christie was too hard to pronounce.
I feel like I need to put their baby faces on milk cartons. Where did those kids go? What was I doing while they were growing up right in front of me? How did I miss it?
I imagine this feeling is even more difficult for parents who look at their kids and can remember very clearly holding them when they were first born.
Granted, I don't have those earliest memories, but I still understand.
Today, Quiz went to Unpack Your Backpack Night. We met his teacher, saw his classroom and took inventory of which friends are in his class. And we did it together. Me, my husband, First Wife, Minnie, Quiz, and the kids' 2 year old brother. For better or worse, this is our family and we travel in a pack when it comes to things like this.
So come Monday, the kids will get on two different busses and head to two different schools. And I will cry. And we will all begin the process of coordinating our schedules and calendars. A process that could probably confuse an actual rocket scientist.
But somehow, we'll figure it out.
Kindergarten and Middle School?? How did this happen? No really. How? How can the days seem so long sometimes, but the years just fly by? Is this physics or something? I was too scared to take that class, so maybe I missed some important life lessons.
I look at Minnie and still see the toothless grin she had for almost 2 years, and I can still hear Quiz calling me "city" because Christie was too hard to pronounce.
I feel like I need to put their baby faces on milk cartons. Where did those kids go? What was I doing while they were growing up right in front of me? How did I miss it?
I imagine this feeling is even more difficult for parents who look at their kids and can remember very clearly holding them when they were first born.
Granted, I don't have those earliest memories, but I still understand.
Today, Quiz went to Unpack Your Backpack Night. We met his teacher, saw his classroom and took inventory of which friends are in his class. And we did it together. Me, my husband, First Wife, Minnie, Quiz, and the kids' 2 year old brother. For better or worse, this is our family and we travel in a pack when it comes to things like this.
So come Monday, the kids will get on two different busses and head to two different schools. And I will cry. And we will all begin the process of coordinating our schedules and calendars. A process that could probably confuse an actual rocket scientist.
But somehow, we'll figure it out.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Top Ten Reasons Why Unemployment Doesn't Suck
I love a good list. Can ya tell? If subcategories are involved, even better. So here's my list of reasons why unemployment doesn't suck.
1. Going to the pool during the day, on a weekday, is pretty awesome.
2. In theory, I can work out more often. (I've only actually done this once during the past week.)
3. I'm spending a ton of time with the kids. They go back to school next week, so at least I got 2 weeks with them.
4. My house is on its way to being completely organized. I even cleaned and sorted our entire basement which revealed several species of spiders as well as various varieties of Nerf darts.
6. Sleeping in is possibly the best thing ever. My alarm clock has been seriously neglected this past week. The snooze button is enjoying the break, I'm sure.
7. I have time for blogging. Reading them, writing one, doesn't matter. I'm in love.
8. I can actually carry on an entire uninterrupted phone conversation without locking myself in my bathroom. Of course, most of my friends have babies, so I can only talk to them when theirlittle howler monkeys precious angels are asleep.
9. While I was working, I alternated which type of shower I would take. Every other day, I could shave my legs. On the opposite days, I would wash my hair. Never both on the same day. That would require less snooze button abuse on my part, and frankly I enjoy sleep more than hairless legs or clean hair. Now, I can shower for as long as I like and actually look like a civilized person. Granted, I usually jump right back into my pj's. But hey, at least I'm clean.
10. Three words. Daytime. Courtroom. Dramas. Judge Milian and Judge Toler are my new bffs. I want to go for coffee with them and invite them to my house for a barbecue.
There ya go. 10 reasons why unemployment doesn't completely suck. I know most of these reasons will wear off after a week or two, and I'll be bored out of my mind. But for now, I'm focussing on the positives and taking my time to find a job that makes getting up early and DVRing Divorce Court worth it.
Until then, my alarm clock and I are retired.
1. Going to the pool during the day, on a weekday, is pretty awesome.
2. In theory, I can work out more often. (I've only actually done this once during the past week.)
3. I'm spending a ton of time with the kids. They go back to school next week, so at least I got 2 weeks with them.
4. My house is on its way to being completely organized. I even cleaned and sorted our entire basement which revealed several species of spiders as well as various varieties of Nerf darts.
Subcategory 4a: I'm having a garage sale this weekend. My first one ever. Hey, gotta bring in the money somehow! (It took me about an hour to figure out the HTML code to indent this. This is going to revolutionize my list making!)5. I have time to grocery shop and actually cook. Which is good because our eating out budget has decreased considerably. (Before you get too impressed, "cooking" translates to making tuna sandwiches, sloppy joes, or Hamburger Helper.)
6. Sleeping in is possibly the best thing ever. My alarm clock has been seriously neglected this past week. The snooze button is enjoying the break, I'm sure.
7. I have time for blogging. Reading them, writing one, doesn't matter. I'm in love.
8. I can actually carry on an entire uninterrupted phone conversation without locking myself in my bathroom. Of course, most of my friends have babies, so I can only talk to them when their
9. While I was working, I alternated which type of shower I would take. Every other day, I could shave my legs. On the opposite days, I would wash my hair. Never both on the same day. That would require less snooze button abuse on my part, and frankly I enjoy sleep more than hairless legs or clean hair. Now, I can shower for as long as I like and actually look like a civilized person. Granted, I usually jump right back into my pj's. But hey, at least I'm clean.
10. Three words. Daytime. Courtroom. Dramas. Judge Milian and Judge Toler are my new bffs. I want to go for coffee with them and invite them to my house for a barbecue.
There ya go. 10 reasons why unemployment doesn't completely suck. I know most of these reasons will wear off after a week or two, and I'll be bored out of my mind. But for now, I'm focussing on the positives and taking my time to find a job that makes getting up early and DVRing Divorce Court worth it.
Until then, my alarm clock and I are retired.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Pot Vs. Kettle
This morning, I walked downstairs to find Minnie all "ready" for school. And by ready, I mean wearing a spaghetti strap tank with an undershirt underneath.
The ONE thing not allowed in Middle School is spaghetti straps. And Minnie has never tried to wear them before, but now she is obsessed.
She even found a spaghetti strap tank that had one of the straps safety pinned together and thought that was acceptable attire.
So, this morning she argued that the undershirt underneath made it ok for school. This was one of those full tank undershirts that go almost to her neck. Picture this with a low-cut spaghetti strap cami over top. Lovely.
I told her she looked ridiculous and made her change. Two door slams, stomping and a silent car ride later, I delivered her to school. Properly dressed. Except for the fake pink hair streaks she bought with some birthday money. But that's a battle for another day.
Then I got home and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was wearing my shirt from yesterday and pajama shorts. I also had not brushed my hair.
Hello, Kettle? This is the pot. You look ridiculous!
The ONE thing not allowed in Middle School is spaghetti straps. And Minnie has never tried to wear them before, but now she is obsessed.
She even found a spaghetti strap tank that had one of the straps safety pinned together and thought that was acceptable attire.
So, this morning she argued that the undershirt underneath made it ok for school. This was one of those full tank undershirts that go almost to her neck. Picture this with a low-cut spaghetti strap cami over top. Lovely.
I told her she looked ridiculous and made her change. Two door slams, stomping and a silent car ride later, I delivered her to school. Properly dressed. Except for the fake pink hair streaks she bought with some birthday money. But that's a battle for another day.
Then I got home and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was wearing my shirt from yesterday and pajama shorts. I also had not brushed my hair.
Hello, Kettle? This is the pot. You look ridiculous!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
What's New?
Hm, let's see.
Well, I originally intended for this blog to be a humorous account of the ridiculously normal stuff that happens to me as a stepparent.
Except, all this TOTALLY UNFUNNY stuff keeps happening to me.
Yesterday, I lost my job. Try laughing about that.
No seriously, I'm trying to find the humor in this.
It's downright hilarious to work at the same place for four years only to walk in one day and be told you're no longerneeded wanted.
Awesome.
So, now I'm 30 and starting over. Again. And it's 8 years since I graduated college, and I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life.
I'm figuring it out by process of elimination.
Things I've tried and now know I DON'T want to do:
1. Work in a nursing home. Waaaay too depressing.
2. Work in a doctor's office. Considering I'm terrified of needles and blood, I probably should have known this was not the right path for me. Two years into it, I figured out doctors are batshit crazy. No really, it's practically a requirement to graduate med school. Next please!
3. Sell traffic lights. Yes, this is a real thing. Actually, this is how I met my husband, and he's worked there for 16 years. But, I personally did not find it fulfilling. Boring is a better word. I did make good money though. Either way, working there isn't an option because my husband and I can't work at the same branch. And I'm almost positive he wouldn't want me to move 3 hours away.
4. Which brings me to my latest trial and error experiment. Selling advertising for a newspaper. It was a relatively fun job, and I met almost all of my current Iowa friends there. But I don't want to sell anything. I never really wanted to, I kinda just fell into it. When I moved to Iowa, I still had a mortgage in the Chicago suburbs as well as rent here. (I refer to this phase of my life as The Love is All You Need Phase.) I had to find a job fast, and being picky wasn't an option.
The major problem with this job was that I'm not really motivated by money. Seminars that were meant to motivate me to want to sell just left me feeling like I was being trained to manipulate.
So, I did my job but always wondered where I was going with this. Sort answer, nowhere.
Sigh.
Now what?
I'm on day 2 of unemployment, and I'm already bored. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the Stay-At-Home Stepmom type. Especially since the kids are in school full time in less than 2 weeks.
I really don't want to go back to school either. School stressed me out because of my alwayshavetogetstraightAs-itis. Plus, I don't know what I want to do so what would I even go back for?
Decisions, decisions.
Maybe I'll just become a professional blogger. Does anyone want to pay me?
Well, I originally intended for this blog to be a humorous account of the ridiculously normal stuff that happens to me as a stepparent.
Except, all this TOTALLY UNFUNNY stuff keeps happening to me.
Yesterday, I lost my job. Try laughing about that.
No seriously, I'm trying to find the humor in this.
It's downright hilarious to work at the same place for four years only to walk in one day and be told you're no longer
Awesome.
So, now I'm 30 and starting over. Again. And it's 8 years since I graduated college, and I still have NO idea what I want to do with my life.
I'm figuring it out by process of elimination.
Things I've tried and now know I DON'T want to do:
1. Work in a nursing home. Waaaay too depressing.
2. Work in a doctor's office. Considering I'm terrified of needles and blood, I probably should have known this was not the right path for me. Two years into it, I figured out doctors are batshit crazy. No really, it's practically a requirement to graduate med school. Next please!
3. Sell traffic lights. Yes, this is a real thing. Actually, this is how I met my husband, and he's worked there for 16 years. But, I personally did not find it fulfilling. Boring is a better word. I did make good money though. Either way, working there isn't an option because my husband and I can't work at the same branch. And I'm almost positive he wouldn't want me to move 3 hours away.
4. Which brings me to my latest trial and error experiment. Selling advertising for a newspaper. It was a relatively fun job, and I met almost all of my current Iowa friends there. But I don't want to sell anything. I never really wanted to, I kinda just fell into it. When I moved to Iowa, I still had a mortgage in the Chicago suburbs as well as rent here. (I refer to this phase of my life as The Love is All You Need Phase.) I had to find a job fast, and being picky wasn't an option.
The major problem with this job was that I'm not really motivated by money. Seminars that were meant to motivate me to want to sell just left me feeling like I was being trained to manipulate.
So, I did my job but always wondered where I was going with this. Sort answer, nowhere.
Sigh.
Now what?
I'm on day 2 of unemployment, and I'm already bored. So I'm pretty sure I'm not the Stay-At-Home Stepmom type. Especially since the kids are in school full time in less than 2 weeks.
I really don't want to go back to school either. School stressed me out because of my alwayshavetogetstraightAs-itis. Plus, I don't know what I want to do so what would I even go back for?
Decisions, decisions.
Maybe I'll just become a professional blogger. Does anyone want to pay me?
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