Here is a word for word account of a text conversation I had with First Wife last night. Prepare to be utterly horrified on my behalf.
First Wife: "U butt dialed me earlier. Lol. Sounded like you were talking to a baby."
This is the part where I panicked and frantically checked my phone. Sure enough, I had called her during V's birthday dinner, but the worst part was that the call had lasted for one minute. A whole minute. Do you know how much embarrassing and/or incriminating stuff I can say in one minute?!
Me: "Haha that's funny! But there was no baby. That's how I talk to V."
What? If you're going to be embarrassed you might as well do it right.
But after about 10 minutes of no response, I decided to put her out of the misery of wondering if I was serious and added, "Just kidding! I was holding my friend's 7 month old at dinner."
Still no response after that clarification. I guess not everyone appreciates my sense of humor.