It's been a while since I've written about my journey towards pregnancy. Rest assured, we're still trying. In fact, we're trying for the 17th time this cycle. 17. That number just doesn't even seem real. Like most women, I never thought I'd be here. When we made the choice to have more kids, I thought it was that simple. I was as surprised as anyone when it didn't happen the first month. Or the fourth. But then it did happen on the fifth try. And I was relieved, excited, and scared at the same time.
Obviously, that didn't end the way I wanted it to, and here I am. 12 cycles since the miscarriage and 17 total. I contemplate giving up on a daily basis. I ride the roller coster of planning, trying, hoping, testing, and grief every 24 days. And then it starts all over.
We've come to the point of some major and scary decisions. Whether or not we decide to pursue medical testing and/or intervention remains to be seen. It's hard to take that next step when I keep thinking next month is it.
There's been a lot of "next months" though, and the hope is starting to fade little by little.
And the next person who tells me to "relax and it will happen" might end up getting kicked in a place that results in some fertility problems of their own. :)