I'm supposed to say that even though this is month 10, I'm ok. 10 months isn't that bad. Some people wait years for babies. Some people don't have any kids at all, and I've got 2. I'm supposed to say that I'll just keep trying and that someday everything will work out. I'm supposed to say that God knows best, and He'll give me a baby when the time is right.
But I'm tired of saying what I'm supposed to say. What I want to say is this SUCKS. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of trying and patience and hoping. I'm tired of the schedules and tests and tears. So many tears. None that anyone sees because I just say what I'm supposed to say.
But I honestly can't do this anymore. It's killing me. Piece by piece, month by month, test by test, I feel like I'm falling apart.
And all the while, in the back of my head I remember my baby. I remember the pure joy. I remember the grief. And I thought I could forget it all if I could just get pregnant again. I thought I could forget how far along I would be. I thought I could just sail right through my due date without a thought. Everything would be ok if only there was another baby to focus on.
But there isn't. So I relive all of these emotions with each negative result.
And I'm supposed to say that I'm past all that. That I was only 7 weeks along so at least it was still early. That I know it was probably for the best. There was a reason.
Supposed to, supposed to, supposed to.
It's hard to remember all the things I'm supposed to say when I'm staring at a test, praying for another line. When I'm holding it up to the light to see if I missed something. When I'm standing in the bathroom by myself trying to hold it together.
It's so hard to keep saying the things I'm supposed to say.