Saturday, August 27, 2011

What I'm Supposed to Say

I'm supposed to say that even though this is month 10, I'm ok. 10 months isn't that bad. Some people wait years for babies. Some people don't have any kids at all, and I've got 2. I'm supposed to say that I'll just keep trying and that someday everything will work out. I'm supposed to say that God knows best, and He'll give me a baby when the time is right.

But I'm tired of saying what I'm supposed to say. What I want to say is this SUCKS. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of trying and patience and hoping. I'm tired of the schedules and tests and tears. So many tears. None that anyone sees because I just say what I'm supposed to say.

But I honestly can't do this anymore. It's killing me. Piece by piece, month by month, test by test, I feel like I'm falling apart.

And all the while, in the back of my head I remember my baby. I remember the pure joy. I remember the grief. And I thought I could forget it all if I could just get pregnant again. I thought I could forget how far along I would be. I thought I could just sail right through my due date without a thought. Everything would be ok if only there was another baby to focus on.

But there isn't. So I relive all of these emotions with each negative result.

And I'm supposed to say that I'm past all that. That I was only 7 weeks along so at least it was still early. That I know it was probably for the best. There was a reason.

Supposed to, supposed to, supposed to.

It's hard to remember all the things I'm supposed to say when I'm staring at a test, praying for another line. When I'm holding it up to the light to see if I missed something. When I'm standing in the bathroom by myself trying to hold it together.

It's so hard to keep saying the things I'm supposed to say.


  1. Bugger supposed to! You're entitled to feel it, it's hard, and it sucks. I'm sorry for your lost little one, and am thinking of you from across the miles. Us evil stepmothers have to stick together! Hang in there!

  2. Hugs from an English step mum.

    It's crap and made crapper because you can see the love that comes from being a parent and from bio-kids.

    It took us 9 months and I was 37 and terrified that it would never happen as each month passed and my eggs got older and grumpier.

    I used to be inconsolable for days after each period started.

    Go break helped me.

    Lucy (can't work out gmail password!!)

  3. *huge hugs!!!* from an australian mum. I was trying with my husband for three years after we lost a child, and never got anywhere. The worst thing people can do is try and tell you to get over it and just stop worrying ><

    It's really, really hard being there, and I have no solutions; I couldn't find any when I wanted them :/ All I can say is relax. I know its hard...but you have a wonderful husband, and family, so take a deep will all resolve itself in time... :/

    *huge hugs* Good luck!

  4. Going through the same thing right now. Recovering from losing my baby and thinking how far along I would be if I was still pregnant:-( Blood tests and IUI's every month. Hope shattered with every negative. Hopefully soon we will both have happy news! And in the meantime I cherish my time w/my hubby and two stepchildren!

  5. I say...say whatever the hell you want to say...that's my new motto. It sucks, it's unfair, it's cruel. I'm no longer going to say what I'm supposed to...I just can't anymore. ..and you shouldn't have to least not to each other!